The Passive Aggressive Cover Letter of the Underemployed


To whomever is most likely to look at this, or the individual who will give me a job (ultimately, I don’t really care who you are)

Although my resume is full to the brim with part-time jobs where there is little to no room for upward movement, I assure you that I am not useless.  My skills go far beyond cash handling, customer service, and data entry. And although the job I am currently applying for continues to rely heavily on this, rest assured that come the Winter Holidays, my handmade mittens are the talk of the office. I doubt many other applicants have this skill.

You are looking for a passionate, independent leader who works well as a team, is innovative, and enjoys most aspects of “box factory”, “children’s hygiene” or whatever industry it is that you are involved in.  My university program was in the Humanities.  I will love whatever it is that you do, because my daily tasks would be something I love to do, and I would finally have a large enough paycheque to afford the fancy Ramen noodles that cost $0.33 a packet instead of the standard $0.13.

I pledge to use my super-human post-secondary skills of advanced excuse making as not to embarrass us both when we are face to face with the dilemma of an off day that I have had.  Your job is to make me feel both terrible and valued at the same time.  Mine is to promise that the next time I come face to face with my humanity, I shall overcome.

I loathe committees, but will gladly participate in anything you ask me to do. I will whine and complain to my partner the minute I go home, but will listen intently to whatever Gary from accounting has to say about the budget, because, let’s be honest, when in the history of anything has someone said “there is no limit to where our finances can take us”.  Gary doesn’t need to be there to tell us that we have to think about where to back up on spending.  I’ve been shopping for designer clothing at thrift stores since before it was cool. Coupled with how much I’m sure you want to pay me, the mere act of hiring me will save you millions in the long run.  I’m also not very confrontational, so don’t worry about me not fitting well into corporate culture.  Once I am employed, I intend to stay employed. The cheap Ramen is seriously gross.

I will always be on time, and will always call if I’m late because I don’t like that feeling when people stare at me thinking “you’re late”.  But I will always smile, whenever you don’t have time for the mundane things I have to contact you about, saying “don’t worry, I can get a lot done until we can chat”.  I probably won’t work on much, because you’ll have to sign off on it, but you will respect my initiative even though I don’t really need a degree to do these tasks.

I will wear a uniform if I have to.  I will try my best not to make too many jokes that make people feel uncomfortable. Your website sucks, let me fix it.  I will singlehandedly provide the whole office with a plethora of tea because no one can make a good cup of coffee, and I don’t like to micromanage.  I suck at interviews and I will be godawful in my first month of work.  You may lose faith in the world, and your judgment, but once I stop being nervous and actually make a friend, I will innovate the pants off of anyone, and work hard to keep everyone ahead of the game

I hope to hear back from you soon, but don’t worry.  I’ll probably call and show up at your offices sometime next week.